my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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