I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
