Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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