Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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