just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
