You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Drunk is a universal language darling
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
