I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
There r osticjed everywhere
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
