Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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