please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
