My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
