the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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