Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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