I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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