Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
