Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
