My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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