Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
