u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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