All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
