I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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