When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
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