I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Randomize
