I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
