It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
