I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
