i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
