Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
