Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
