just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
