Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
