Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
