Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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