She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I am spending my child support on dildos
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
A bitchslap is in order.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
