she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
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