i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
