I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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