Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
