We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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