Pappa wants mamma naked
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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