i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
