i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i think i have two assholes
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
