I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
