this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
He kissed a someone with a penis
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
