Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
