There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
