WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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