Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
