Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
