I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
