For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
