Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
