Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I have fence marks all over my body
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
