Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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