I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
