Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
