C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
