If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
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