so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
