I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
