Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
