Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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