The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
