Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize