Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize
