I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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