So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
