John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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