the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
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