tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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