I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
