I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
