My hair reeks of homosexuality.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
