Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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