he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
